My Latest Read: The Iliad by Homer

In my quest to broaden my horizons, I've decided to add classic works of literature to my To Be Read pile. I'm hoping my writer brain will pick up some good habits by reading some of the best and enduring works from legendary writers.

Yeah, that sounds great and all, but The Iliad is maybe a little too epic for me.

So, The Iliad is the Trojan war. The Greeks are mad that Helen has been abducted and have launched a thousand ships. But none of that is mentioned in Homer's epic poem. The story picks up after the Greeks have landed and everyone is just mad.

It has to be said: Achilles is a whiny baby. Apparently, he's the best fighter on the Greeks side. Imagine Master Chief fighting Ewoks. That's Achilles in battle. But Achilles doesn't fight. Oh no, he's mad because the King of the Greeks, Agamemnon, took Achilles' girl. The girl, who Achilles kidnapped from her home and claimed as a prize.

"How dare Agamemnon steals the woman I stole!" It's all very scummy.

So, Achilles refuses to fight for Agamemnon and pouts for 98% of the book.

The war itself is almost as long as the list of combatants. There are several points where Homer is straight up listing names. Ironicus and his twelve ships of well-greaved Greeks, Stupendous and his seven ships of well-greaved Greeks, and so on and so forth.

I will say that the battles were fantastic. I wasn't expecting any amount of gore, but soldiers were getting cut up left and right. At one point, a soldier took a sword in the eye and I said out loud, "Whoa!"

There was a fun scene near the beginning where the Greeks and Trojans were all, "Let's settle this in one-on-one combat!" But that didn't pan out. Hector ended up being a beast on the battlefield and nearly won it for Troy. Or course, it helps to be favored by the Gods.

Ugh, Gods. Don't get me started on them. At first, I was really confused because it was Jove this and Saturn that. I kept waiting for Zeus to show up, but it turns out Jove is Zeus? And Finkle is Einhorn? (Ten points if you get that reference) Anyway, the Greek Gods with Roman names all had favorites and everyone wanted their guy to win.

For the majority of the book, that guy was Hector. Boy, did he go on a run! Rallied the Trojans from near defeat and drove the Greeks all the way back to their ships. The Greeks dug a trench but it didn't do much good. In fact, it only really gave a place for Hector to kill Patroclus.

Remember Achilles? Yeah, well apparently he and Patroclus were friends. Best friends. Almost to the point where it made me wonder if something...else...was going on between them. So, Achilles is told about Patroclus' death and loses his mind. His anger with Agamemnon kinda fades and he calls for some armor. The thing is, he lent his armor to Patroclus, so Hector took it when he killed him.

So Achilles mom, Thetis, says, "Wait here," and goes to Hephaestus (God of Armor) for more. Hephaestus agrees and proceeds to make Achilles some god-infused armor with highly intricate artwork. I swear, reading the description was like looking at one of those art pieces where you can just keep zooming in and see tons of fine detail.

Achilles gets decked out and goes full aggression. The Gods loved him more than Hector so Achilles never got tired and just went through the Trojans like a hot knife through butter. Then he took prisoners! I never knew Achilles took twelve people during his famous rampage. His thinking was to sacrifice them to honor the death of Patroclus. Oof.

Achilles leads the Greeks all the way back to the gates of Troy. Hector is still doing his thing, but is anxious for a fight with Achilles even though everyone tells him not to. So they fight and Achilles wins.

They did Hector dirty though. The Greek soldiers took turns stabbing him after he was already dead. Then Achilles tied him to the back of his chariot and dragged Hectors body back to the Greek ships and around Patroclus' funeral mound a couple of times. Bad form, I say. Bad form.

Then Achilles decides to host a tournament? Because nothing says "grieving for your best friend" like having soldiers wrestle for prizes, right? In fact, I'm going to put it in my will that there is to be a chariot race at my funeral.

The book ends with the Gods getting involved (yet again) to help Troy recover Hectors body, which should just be a bloody, dirty stump for as often as Achilles dragged it around Patroclus' body. Thankfully, Apollo shielded the body so it wouldn't get messed up. You'd think the Greeks would have freaked out at Hector's body not getting any fresh wounds. So, the Gods convince Achilles to give the body back and protect one of the Greeks as they go to retrieve it.

And then the book ends. No resolution. Who won? Probably the Greeks after they do the bit with the Trojan horse, but that probably happens off-camera.

So, The Iliad was an interesting read. Did I like it? Sorta. Not one of my favorites, but I don't feel like I wasted my time with it.